Who: Wisconsin Badgers @ Northwestern Wildcats.

Where: Ryan Field, Big Ten Network.

When: Saturday, November 21, 2:30 PM CST.

Give the people what they want.

It’s the oldest axiom in show business and one that I saw confirmed this weekend as I attended two very different concerts: Sesame Street Live and Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band.

There was nothing horribly wrong with the Sesame Street Live show, and my two-year-old daughter loved every minute of Bert, Ernie, and Elmo extolling the virtues of having a healthy imagination.    

But myself, my wife, and — most annoyingly — my six-year-old son were forced to use our imaginations far too often during the show as we all imagined ourselves being somewhere far more interesting.

The only time the three of us snapped to attention was during the show’s finale of “I Don’t Want To Live On The Moon,” which was literally the only chestnut from the television show amid a bunch of new songs that paled in comparison to Sesame Street classics like “Doin’ The Pigeon,” “Monster In The Mirror,” and “Honker-Duckie-Dinger Jamboree.”

With that kind of rich songbook to cull from, the folks behind Sesame Street Live would be wise to just do the hits. You know, what the people want.

In contrast, more than any other Bruce Springsteen concert I’ve ever attended, Sunday night’s show in Milwaukee was about the hits and long-standing concert favorites. Rosalita. Dancing In The Dark. Badlands. Hungry Heart. The entire Born To Run album played in sequence.

In short ,the 60-year-old rock legend gave the people what they wanted. And it was a tremendous show, perhaps the best E Street show I’d seen.

Professional and collegiate sports, which are certainly close cousins of show business, are also about giving people what they want, and the Wisconsin Badgers did that tremendously last Saturday in what may have been their most impressive all-around victory of the season, a 45-24 whooping of Big Ten rival Michigan.

You like offense? Wisconsin piled up 469 yards, their second-highest total this season, of it.

You like balanced offense? (Coaches do.) Saturday’s win was by far the most balanced the Badgers had been all year, with 229 yards on the ground and 240 yards through the air.

You like big-name players playing big-time football? How about Scott Tolzien throwing for four touchdowns and rushing for one, a performance good enough to get him his second Big Ten Offensive Player of the Week award of the season? How about John Clay gaining 151 yards and going over 1,000 yards for the season? How about freshman wunderkind Chris Borland registering 11 tackles? How about O’Brien Schofield adding to his conference-leading 19.5 tackles for loss? 

And how about the defense holding Michigan’s league-leading rushing attack to a itty-bitty 71 yards on the ground?

Wisconsin’s done a lot of good things this year, but — outside of perhaps their running game and rush defense — they haven’t been particularly consistent.

Can they follow up last week’s pounding of Michigan with perhaps an equally impressive victory over an Northwestern team that has improved mightily since the last time the Badgers faced them in 2006?

Let’s look at the Channel 3000 3 storylines for Saturday’s Big Ten finale:

Revenge Part II: Much was made about Bret Bielema and the Badgers seeking retribution over Michigan last week, but there is an even stronger vengeance plot here.

Saturday’s game is the first meeting of these teams since Bielema fired former Badgers defensive coordinator Mike Hankwitz after the 2007 season. Hankwitz, now the Wildcats’ defensive coordinator, has done just fine in Evanston, as the Wildcats finished fourth in the Big Ten in team defense last year (four places higher than Wisconsin) and currently rank in the top half of the conference defenses in 2009.

The ousting of Hankwitz from Madison was by all accounts not amicable (Bielema this week admitted that “I’m sure I’m not very popular in the Hankwitz household), and you can be sure that Wildcats coach Pat Fitzgerald is plotting with Hankwitz on ways to settle the score with his former boss.

Look for the Wildcats — who have forced six turnovers in their last two games — to play very aggressively on defense. If John Clay can hold on to the football and if the Badgers offensive line can protect Scott Tolzien, Wisconsin should be create some big plays out of what could be an overzealous Northwestern defensive game plan.

Finishing Strong Part I: Though the window hasn’t completely closed on Wisconsin earning a share of the Big Ten conference title, Michigan needs to beat Ohio State in order for that to happen. And although Ohio State’s excellence is overrated, Michigan’s awfulness isn’t.

Heading into Saturday, it seems that the 5-4 Packers have a better chance to come back and win the NFC North over the 8-1 Vikings than the Badgers have of winning a share of the Big Ten.  

But that doesn’t make Saturday’s game any less important — with a win, the Badgers should finish (assuming they beat Hawaii in two weeks) tied for second in the Big Ten, which would ensure them a very nice bowl invitation. With a loss, Wisconsin could finish fourth in the conference, which would leave them in a far less prestigious bowl.    

Purdue Part II or Indiana Part II? Mike Kafka, the Wildcats quarterback, has been one of the best quarterbacks in the conference on one of the most pass-happy teams in the Big Ten — only Purdue throws the ball more. (Kafka’s efficiency has been compromised, however, in the past two weeks due to a hamstring injury that has limited his mobility.)

In recent weeks, the Badgers have faced two other teams who, like Northwestern, have effective quarterbacks and below-average running games.

Wisconsin was able to completely shut Purdue down on Halloween in a 37-0 blowout at home, but it was a different story at Indiana the following week. The Hoosiers’ Ben Chappell carved up the Wisconsin secondary for 323 yards on 25-of-35 passing attempts. (Indiana only earned 63 yards rushing in the 31-28 Badger victory.)

Either way, the Badgers should be able to emerge victorious, but if Kafka is able to get hot, it could be a nail-biter. Which is not what Wisconsin fans want.

Predicted final: Wisconsin 27, Northwestern 21. 

Who: Michigan Wolverines @ Wisconsin Badgers

Where: Camp Randall Stadium, Big Ten Network.

When: Saturday, November 14, 11 AM CST.

You have to feel sorry for Michigan.  

This week The Detroit News reported that the state expects to lose a total of 1 million jobs this decade, largely due to the collapse of the U.S. automobile industry.

The Pew Center reported this week that the most optimistic of projections suggest that the state won’t regain those jobs lost until 2025 or 2030.

Many of the more famous people born in Michigan are going through difficult times, like disgraced former ESPN analyst Steve Phillips (a Michigan alum), Bob Seger (it’s been 23 years since “Like A Rock”), and TV legends Ed McMahon and Soupy Sales (both dead).

And of course, the Detroit Tigers choked away their 2009 season and the Detroit Lions continue to be one of the very worst in a long line of bad NFL teams.

And then of course there is the Michigan Wolverines football team.

Echoing perhaps the story of the 2008 Wisconsin Badgers, most had high hopes for the 2009 Wolverines, and Rich Rodriguez’s team did live up to their promise early in the season with four straight wins, including a high-profile victory over Notre Dame.

Then, like the Badgers last year, the Wolverines went into a quick tailspin upon entering conference play, losing five straight Big Ten games, including last week’s home loss to Purdue, a team that just the previous week had shown all of the collective talent of the Kardashian family in a 37-0 loss to Wisconsin.

But unlike the 2008 Badgers, a late-season rally for Michigan appears extremely doubtful as the Wolverines have to head into Madison on Saturday and then host No. 10 Ohio State the following week to close out the season.

The Badgers, meanwhile, continue to impress after losses to Ohio State and Iowa. With winnable games against Michigan, Northwestern, and Hawaii coming up, Wisconsin is playing for a 10-2 record and an invitation to one of college’s better bowl games.

Here then, are the Channel 3000 3 storylines for Saturday’s game at Camp Randall, Wisconsin’s final home game of the season.

1. Best Served Cold. Much is being made of the revenge factor in this game, as Michigan last year came back from a 19-0 halftime deficit to beat Wisconsin 27-25 in a game that began Wisconsin’s long four-game losing streak.

Though it’s being hyped as a “revenge game,” retribution should not be a major motivation for this game: Michigan can hardly be blamed for all four of those losses in 2008, Wisconsin not only bested Michigan’s record last year but will this year as well, and many of this year’s players on both sides of the ball for both teams – most notably both quarterbacks — didn’t even play in that game.

It’s almost as ludricious as if the Packers were to play the Colts this season and someone were to suggest that Green Bay was out for revenge for their embarrassing 1997 loss to the then-winless Colts. It’s just irrelevant history at this point.

But despite Michigan’s recent struggles, Wisconsin will certainly take some measure of satisfaction in beating a team that has run up an all-time 49-12-1 advantage (including 19 wins at Camp Randall) in their meetings.

And Bret Bielema’s team should be at the very least annoyed by indications that the Wolverines are looking past Wisconsin to the November 21 game against Ohio State. Wolverines safety Troy Woolfolk said, “As bad as the season is going, I think it would be redeemed if we beat Ohio State.” As almost an afterthought, he added, “Wisconsin, we want to beat them, too.”

Do comments like that suggest that Michigan disrespects Wisconsin, doesn’t think they can compete with Wisconsin, or simply doesn’t care about Wisconsin? After the Badgers beat them, it won’t really matter.

2. Big Blue’s Big Play Potential. Despite last week’s victory against Indiana, the Badgers should be worried about the number of big plays they allowed in what was without a doubt a too-close 31-28 win.

With 323 of the Hoosiers’ 386 offensive yards gained through the air, the majority of those big plays were in the passing game, most notably an 80-yard touchdown drive that consisted of just three Ben Chappell completions, and a 30-yard Chappell-to-Demarlo Belcher reception on a fourth-and-five that led to one of Indiana’s two fourth-quarter touchdowns.

The Wolverines may be struggling, but their problems can’t be blamed on their offense. Michigan leads the Big Ten in scoring with 32 points per game, but fortunately for Wisconsin, it’s running the ball where they truly excel — the Wolverines lead the conference with 2,083 total yards.

Since Wisconsin is much better at defending the run than the pass, look for Rodriguez to call on his freshman quarterback Tate Forcier to make some plays. While Forcier isn’t the talent that Chappell is (at least not yet), the Badgers will have to do a better job defending the pass than they did last week. With the home crowd behind them, that seems extremely doable.

3. Havin’ A Ball. The flip side of Michigan’s efficiency on offense is their awfulness on defense, particularly late in games: The Wolverines have been outscored 75-12 in the second half over the last three weeks. So it’s fair to assume that Wisconsin will be able to move the ball, and it’s fair to assume that they will choose to run the ball to control the clock and keep Michigan’s offense off the field.

Although John Clay has been cleared to play after suffering a head injury close to halftime in the Indiana game (Bielema said it wasn’t “officially” a concussion, but that’s like saying The Jay Leno Show isn’t “officially” a failure; some things don’t have to be “official” to be believed), his health has to be a concern.

Therefore, don’t be surprised to see freshman running back Montee Ball, who had a bit of a coming-out party last week with 115 yards on 27 carries with two touchdowns, steal some carries away from John Clay on Saturday. Oh, and if you have Zach Brown on your college football fantasy team, cut him.

Ball and the rest of the Badgers should have a ball celebrating a big win on Saturday.

Predicted final: Wisconsin 38, Michigan 20.

Who: Wisconsin @ Indiana

Where: Memorial Stadium, Big Ten Network

When: Saturday, November 7, 11 AM CST.

It’s been a terrible week for former Wisconsin Badger football stars now playing in the NFL.

First tight end standout Owen Daniels injures his knee on Sunday against the Buffalo Bills. He’s out the rest of the season, cutting short a terrific year in which he was ranked second among tight ends in receptions.

On Monday, wide out Chris Chambers was waived by the contending San Diego Chargers. He was then picked up by the truly awful Kansas City Chiefs the next day.

Then on Thursday, former All-American defensive end and current NFL bust Erasmus “The Eraser” James was arrested on a tentative battery charge after he apparently got upset that he couldn’t get a drink past bar time at a popular UW-Madison watering hole. Methinks James would have calmed down if someone had just said to him, “Hey, Eraser, things could be worse. You could be playing for the Kansas City Chiefs.”

Meanwhile, Travis Beckum continues to be a forgotten man on the slumping New York Giants,  and the owner of Joe Thomas’s team, the Cleveland Browns, has been reduced to taking meetings with fans to apologize for the colossal embarrassment they’ve become.

(Hey, where’s my meeting with Dan Aykroyd? I’d like to talk to him about how he’s let his career go to hell for the majority of the last twenty-five years . . .)

Fortunately, things are much better with Bret Bielema’s current Badgers squad: Coming off a dominating 37-0 shutdown of a Purdue team that redefined just what the phrase “bad football” can mean, the Badgers are now back in the national rankings (#24 in AP; #22 USA Today) and look poised to win their last four games (despite three of them being on the road), which would give them a fine regular-season record of 10-2.

The final month of the season starts Saturday at Indiana, a team with only one conference win but a team that just last week took a lead against undefeated Iowa into the fourth quarter before eventually losing 42-24.

Here are the Channel 3000 3 storylines to watch in Saturday’s Wisconsin/ Indiana game at Memorial Stadium. 

1. Wither Scott Tolzien? Lost in the celebratory mood surrounding the Badgers’ destruction of the Boilermakers was the fact that quarterback Scott Tolzien struggled for the third consecutive week, completing only six of the thirteen passes that he threw for just 87 yards, all season lows.

Granted, Saturday’s game was about John Clay and the Badgers’ defense, but when Tolzien was called on to throw the ball, he looked as uncomfortable as Jack Black did making out with Cloris Leachman on last year’s post-Super Bowl episode of The Office. And the accuracy of his throws would have made JaMarcus Russell recoil in horror.

The Badgers would presumably like to improve on last week’s win by getting back to the more balanced style of offense they had earlier in the season. Indiana, ranked last in the Big Ten in passing defense, should be the team to help cure whatever is ailing Scott Tolzien. 

In his limited play, Curt Phillips has shown absolutely nothing to make anyone believe that he can realistically compete for Tolzien’s job. Getting Tolzien back on track is imperative for Wisconsin on Saturday.

2. Feet Of Clay. On the other hand, why fix it if it ain’t broke? Indiana’s run defense is better than its pass defense, but nobody would confuse Indiana’s front seven with the Pittsburgh Steelers’ run-stopping group. John Clay will undoubtedly be able to have success Saturday, so perhaps Bielema will just continue to ride his best offensive weapon.

Feeding the ball to Clay early and often may say less about Bielema’s confidence in Tolzien and more about his desire to keep Indiana’s Ben Chappell — the fourth-ranked QB in the conference despite having only one superb game — off the field. Chappell and receivers Tandon Doss and Damarlo Belcher are the best things going for Indiana right now, so limiting their playing time would be a solid gameplan.

3. One Shutout Is Good, But Two Is Better. Let’s not mince words. Wisconsin should bury Indiana. The Badgers have won four straight against the Hoosiers, including a 55-20 smackdown in Bloomington last year. And no one in Wisconsin needs to be reminded that the Badgers simply weren’t that good last year.

Can the Badgers’ defense, which has been stout since allowing 23 second-half points to Michigan State on September 26, pitch two shutouts in a row? Probably not, but they’ll come close enough to make it another long day for Indiana Hoosier fans.

Predicted final: Wisconsin 30, Indiana 7.

It was Ted Thompson’s worst nightmare, and fittingly enough, it happened just hours after Halloween had expired.

Brett Favre. Celebrating at Lambeau Field. After having just beaten the Packers. As a member of the (shudder) Minnesota Vikings.

But the true nightmare for Mike McCarthy’s team is not that Brett Favre is now ahead of Ted Thompson in the greatest ongoing battle of will and ego since Roger Waters and David Gilmour fought over the use of the name “Pink Floyd.”

The Packers’ true nightmare, or at least it should be, is that by losing 38-26 to Favre’s Vikings on Sunday, they have virtually lost any hope they had of winning the NFC North title this season.

By sweeping the Packers and taking a 7-1 record into their bye week, the Vikings are virtually three games up on Green Bay’s soon-to-be 5-3 record (yes, I’m already putting next week’s game against Tampa Bay in the Packers’ win column; it’s the very definition of “lock of the week”). That three-game lead will be nearly impossible to erase over the course of eight weeks.

But hold it, you say. Aren’t the Minnesota Vikings the biggest choke artists in the history of professional sports? Aren’t they the team that a decade ago went 15-1 in the regular season and didn’t even make the Super Bowl? That started the 2003 season 6-0 and didn’t even make the playoffs? And then followed that up the next season by starting 5-1 only to finish at 8-8?

Well, yes.

It’s particularly tempting for Packers fans to look back on that 2003 season for reasons to believe that Green Bay has a shot at the NFC North title in 2009: In 2003, the Vikings held an even greater four-game lead on the Packers just seven weeks into the season. In the eighth game of the season, Green Bay beat Minnesota at the Metrodome, sparking a 7-2 run over the last nine weeks. The Vikings, meanwhile, went 3-6 over those nine weeks, culminating in a last-second loss to the terrible Arizona Cardinals that sent the purple home for the offseason and the Packers into the playoffs.

Unfortunately, the 2009 Vikings are not the 2003 Vikings and the 2009 Packers are not the 2003 Packers.

The 2003 Vikings had the turnover-prone Daunte Culpepper, the malcontent Randy Moss, the two-headed-garbage backfield of Michael Bennett and Moe Williams, a truly awful defense, and a true bonehead (Mike Tice) for a coach.

The 2009 Vikings have at worst a very good defense, an infinitely better rushing attack with Adrian Peterson and Chester Taylor, unselfish receivers, and (yes, you knew I had to throw this in) a major upgrade at quarterback. And while Brad Childress isn’t exactly the second coming of Bud Grant, he’s not as big a putz as Tice was.

The 2009 Packers, meanwhile, look great on paper, in meaningless preseason games, and in lining up against the dregs of the NFL, but they carry with them major problems that are apparently irreparable under the current roster and regime.

This year’s Packers take too many penalties. Scratch that. They take too many stupid penalties. They don’t get pressure on the quarterback. Due to injury, they have an over-the-hill power running back returning kicks. And, most glaring of all, they possess one of the worst NFL offensive lines in recent memory which severely hinders their run game and makes Aaron Rodgers, who has become one of the NFL’s best quarterbacks in an astonishingly short period of time, the biggest whipping boy since Saved By The Bell’s Screech.

If the 2010 Packers can shore up that offensive line, they can play with anyone.

But this 2009 Packer team will be in a dogfight for one of two NFC Wild Card spots, and despite the alarming increase in godawful  NFL teams this year, the Packers will face some stiff competition for those spots: Atlanta, Chicago, and any team from the NFC East not based in the nation’s capital are talented teams that will be fighting with the Packers for a postseason berth.

To make matters worse, the Packers have already played the majority of their cupcake games: After Tampa, Green Bay must play Baltimore a rejuvenated Dallas, plus road games at Pittsburgh, at Arizona, and at Chicago.

The Vikings, meanwhile, get a very winnable three-game home stand after their bye week, and while some may question Favre’s durability as the season progresses, it seems just as likely that having the Packers games behind him has to be such a huge relief that he might even start to play better.

Favre continuing to play better? Now that he’s swept the Packers, that’s the NFC’s nightmare, not Ted Thompson’s.

What: Purdue @ Wisconsin.

Where: Camp Randall Stadium, ESPN2

When: Saturday, October 31, 11 AM CST.

I love the double bye.

I support the double bye.

I miss the double bye.

For anyone too young or for anyone too heavily engaged in the then-dominant stoner grunge scene to remember it clearly, the 1993 NFL season was the season of the double bye.  

For the first and only time, NFL teams (there were only 28 back then) played their 16 games over a period of 18 weeks, ensuring that each team had two bye weeks.

Also ensuring that NFL fans had an extra week to enjoy meaningful games.

But supposedly most teams found the double bye weeks too disruptive and the experiment, like The Golden Girls spin-off, ended after only one year.

But this year, the Wisconsin Badgers are bringing back the double byes, having just come off of one and also having another one over the Thanksgiving break before finishing the regular season at Hawaii the first Saturday in December.

Whatever fans might think of the weeks off, it’s clear that the first bye came at an opportune time for the Badgers, who needed the extra time to regroup after they were dominated for the first time this season two weeks ago against the then- and still-undefeated Iowa Hawkeyes. (I’m still calling that Ohio State loss a result of giving up big plays and not of being dominated.)

On paper, the Badgers should win the reminder of their games, but perhaps no upcoming game is more of a question mark than Saturday’s home game against Purdue.

Here are the Channel 3000 3 storylines for Halloween’s Badger/Boilermaker tilt, which is, oddly enough, the team’s first meeting since 2006, which Wisconsin won 24-3.

1. Who are these guys? At the start of this season, many were confused about the Badgers’ true identity, as the emergence of quarterback Scott Tolzien led to a much more balanced offensive attack than most preseason predictions indicated.

But a glance at Purdue’s 2009 wins and losses reveals the makings of a real schizophrenic squad: A win against Ohio State and a heartbreaking 38-36 loss to No. 10 Oregon suggests a very good team, while losses to Northern Illinois and Minnesota (part of an overall five-game losing streak) suggest a very bad team.

It’s fairly simple: Purdue can win when its defense plays well and when its offense limits mistakes. The Boilermakers had their first turnover-free game of the season last week against Illinois and the week before held Ohio State to just 287 yards of total offense while forcing Terrelle Pryor and company into five turnovers.

If the Boilermakers can force the suddenly error-prone Scott Tolzien (five interceptions in his last two games) into turning the ball over, they’ll have a good chance at pulling the upset.

2. Run Johnny Run. How do the Badgers best put Scott Tolzien into a position to regain his early season form? Simply by running the football with John Clay. Not coincidentally, Clay has been held in check during the Badgers’ two-game losing streak, totalling just 134 yards on the ground after besting that total in three of the Badgers’ first five wins.  

The good news for  pre=”for “>Tolzien and Clay (and freshman Montee Ball and Zach Brown, who returns after missing the Iowa game with a concussion) is that Purdue is lousy against the run, surrendering 156 yards a game and a conference-worst 18 rushing touchdowns on the season. If the Badgers can establish the run against Purdue, and all signs indicate that they should be able to, Wisconsin should snap their losing streak.

3. Protect the quarterback, pressure the quarterback. Purdue quarterback Joey Elliott has quietly been having a great season, ranking second in the conference and 15th in the nation in total offense per game (280 yards). The Badgers need to get pressure on him to try to discombobulate the Boilermakers’ proficient passing attack. Elliott has only been sacked twice during Purdue’s two-game winning streak.

Conversely, over the last two weeks, Scott Tolzien has been dumped more often than Willie Parker from NFL fantasy football rosters: Ten sacks in the last two games. When Tolzien is called on to make plays — and hey, even JaMarcus Russell is called on to make plays — the Badgers’ O-line has to do a better job of keeping him upright.

Despite Purdue being a tougher out than most people — even after the Ohio State upset — probably give them credit for, this looks like a good matchup for Wisconsin, particularly at home, and particularly coming off the first of their two bye weeks.

Predicted final: Wisconsin 35, Purdue 20.

This week I was surprised to discover that Yahoo! featured a sports blog entry as one of the featured news stories on its home page. (I’m not going to link to it, the writer’s gotten enough play from it.)

The entry concerned one of the many botched calls in this year’s baseball playoffs, calling the Game 4 ALCS play in which Yankee Robinson Cano was ruled safe despite being clearly tagged out by Angels catcher Mike Napoli “the worst call of all time.”

Now clearly that’s ridiculous hyperbole. An argument could be made that the call in question wasn’t even the worst call in this year’s baseball postseason — Joe Mauer’s ALDS Game 2 foul ball that clearly wasn’t foul, anyone? — much less the worst call in history.

But clearlythe tactic worked — yes, I know the blogger in question works for Yahoo! Sports, but, to speak in old-school terms, getting the “above the fold” exposure is colossal on a Web site that reportedly gets 1.575 billion visitors annually. The guy is probably next in line to replace Steve ”Crotch Birthmark”  Phillips on ESPN.

Anyway, armed with the new knowledge that crazy exaggeration equals page views, I present my similarly-overblown trimester report card on all 32 NFL teams.

AFC East:

1. New England Patriots. After starting the season in disappointing fashion — a shaky win against a lousy Buffalo team and an ugly loss to the New York Jets wasn’t how people envisioned the return of all that is Tom Brady — everything now seems rosy in Patriots country. After last week’s 59-0 win over Tennessee – the most dominating victory in the history of American sports – the Patriots are officially scary again. Grade so far: A-
2. New York Jets. Mark Sanchez has gone from the toast of New York to the worst quarterback in Jets history in a span of three weeks. Only JaMarcus Russell – the worst quarterback in the history of the NFL – has generated worse statistics over six games. The Jets run the ball great and still have a good defense, but ask the 2008 Minnesota Vikings how fall that will get you. Grade so far: C+
3. Miami Dolphins. The 2009 Dolphins have the best running game in the history of the NFL. The great rushing attack allows them to convert on third downs (where they lead the NFL), keep the ball (they lead the NFL in TOP), and be the only team in the league to effectively use the wildcat, which for other teams works about as well as a third-generation carpet sweeper. Their problem? An unproven quarterback (although due to byes, I’m starting him this week, so go Chad!). Grade: C
4. Buffalo Bills. Ugh. How this team has won two games is a bigger mystery than why people watch Ghost Whisperer. The 2009 Bills will go down in history as the losing team in the worst game ever played in professional sports, a 6-3 loss to Cleveland at home. Grade: D

 AFC North:

1. Cincinnati Bengals. I’m not ready to give up on this team after last week’s inexplicable loss to the Houston Texans. Cedric Benson is having the best comeback season by a running back in league history and their schedule from Thanksgiving on looks like cake. Grade: B+
2. Pittsburgh Steelers. Sunday’s game against the undefeated Minnesota Vikings will tell us a lot, but the 2009 Steelers are playing remarkably uninspired football. They also have the stupidest kicker in the league in Jeff “Fighting Stance” Reed. No surprise he’s only hit on 70 percent of his field goal chances. Grade: B
3. Baltimore Ravens. I know they’re only 3-3, but with Joe Flacco, Ray Rice, and Ray Lewis on board, I can’t imagine this team, currently the most underachieving team in football, not making the playoffs. I just don’t know who they take out. Grade: B
4. Cleveland Browns. The worst quarterback tandem in the history of the NFL. The worst head coach in football. Poor Joe Thomas. I’ll bet he wishes he was fishing with his dad every weekend of the NFL season. Grade: F

AFC South:

1. Indianapolis Colts. The only negative thing you can say about this team under first-year head coach Jim Caldwell is that their 5-0 start makes previous accomplishments by good guy Tony Dungy seem less impressive. Peyton Manning is the best player in football. Grade: A
2. Jacksonville Jaguars. The Jaguars are on the bye, although since the Jaguars have the worst fan support in NFL history, not many people might notice. But for anyone paying attention, the Jags have won three games, but two of them were against teams that have yet to win. And they aren’t that far removed from getting thumped 41-0 by a mediocre team. Grade: C
3. Houston Texans. Studs on offense. Will that be enough to get the Texans, consistently the worst franchise in the history of the NFL, their first playoff berth? Nope. Grade: C+
4. Tennessee Titans. Oh boy. Suffice it to say that this is the most disappointing team in the history of sports, be it professional, amateur, American, African, Indonesian, whatever. Jeff Fisher needs a hug. Grade: F

 AFC West:

1. Denver Broncos. I believe. I believe. The most surprising team in the history of the NFL, particularly on defense. Grade: A
2. San Diego Chargers. How can a team with LaDaianian Tomlinson and Darren Sproles have the most disappointingly awful rushing attack in the history of the league? If they can become more balanced on offense, this traditionally late-starting team still has a chance. Grade: C
3. Oakland Raiders. The most disorganized mess in professional sports. I don’t put any stock in their surprising victory over Philadelphia. Grade: F
4. Kansas City Chiefs. Despite a lousy record, they’ve played some teams tough. The best 1-5 team in the NFL. Grade: C-

 NFC East:

1. New York Giants. The Giants are talented. They’ve also had – before last week’s New Orleans game – a cake schedule. The most overrated team in the NFL. Grade: B+
2. Philadelphia Eagles. 54 pass plays and 12 run plays in a close loss to the Raiders? When you have Brian Westbrook and LeSean McCoy? Andy Reid is the most overrated coach in football. Grade: B-
3. Dallas Cowboys. Everybody loves to dump on Dallas. So I will too. Even without T.O., this is the most dysfunctional team in football that has yet to win a game against a quality opponent. Tony Romo and Wade Phillips are not long for Big D. Love the videoboard, though. Grade: C-
4. Washington Redskins. The most putrid display of offense in NFL history. Grade: F

NFC North:

1. Minnesota Vikings. With Antonie Winfield out, the Vikings’ secondary is the worst in the league. When teams start to figure that out, things will start to get dicey for Brett Favre and company. Oops, judging by last week’s fourth quarter against Baltimore, teams already have. Grade: B+
2. Green Bay Packers. How do you beat a team 26-0 but still look lousy? By having the worst offensive line in NFL history. Penalties are a continuing issue too. Love Aaron Rodgers though. And Aaron Kampmann and Ryan Grant looked better last week, too. The Packers will need those two players performing at a high level if they want to return to the postseason. Grade: B-
3. Chicago Bears. If the Bears can get Matt Forte going, they have a real chance of winning this division. The team best equipped to make a late-season run. Grade: B
4. Detroit Lions. They play hard. But they have the least amount of talent among any NFL team. Grade: D

NFC South:

1. New Orleans Saints. They are the Saints, so I’m wondering how they can screw this up going forward. But for now, they are the best team in football. What’s gotten into Darren Sharper? Grade: A
2. Atlanta Falcons. Matt Ryan is the best second-year QB in the history of the league. And don’t look now, but the Falcons defense is statistically the fourth-best in the league. Grade: A-
3. Carolina Panthers. What’s happening with wide receiver Steve Smith is the biggest waste of an NFL individual talent in years. I would have written “NFL history,” but I still remember what happened to Randy Moss when he went to Oakland. Grade: D
4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Enough to make Bucs fans yearn for their glory expansion years of 1976-1977 when they went 0-26. This team will not win a game in 2009. Grade: F

NFC West:

1. San Francisco 49ers. Mike Singletary is the most entertaining head coach in the history of the league. With Michael Crabtree and the return of Frank Gore, his team is in good shape too. Grade: B
2. Arizona Cardinals. This team has to learn to run the football. The most insanely imbalanced offense in the league. Grade: B-
3. Seattle Seahawks. Take out the two shutout wins (over Jacksonville and St. Louis), and you have a pretty mediocre team. The least interesting team in football. Grade: C
4. St. Louis Rams. It’s amazing how far this team has fallen from the years of the “greatest show on turf.” The worst team in football. Grade: F

Who: Iowa Hawkeyes @ Wisconsin Badgers.

Where: Camp Randall Stadium, ESPN.

When:  Saturday, October 17, 11 AM CST.

If you like television — and really, don’t you believe those people with the “Kill Your Television” license plates are scary crazy? — you should check out a book called The Last Great Ride by the late NBC president Brandon Tartikoff.

The Last Great Ride is full of great stories about the TV industry, but one of the best concerns the casting of the sitcom Family Ties.

Tartikoff was unimpressed by Michael J. Fox and tried to talk the producers out of casting the then-unknown Canadian actor as Alex P. Keaton. “This is not the kind of face you’ll ever see on a lunch box,” Tartikoff protested. Of course, after Back to the Future became a monster hit, Fox’s mug did indeed appear on lunch boxes, one of which he sent to Tartikoff.

With the box, Fox included this note: “This is for you to put your crow in.” 

Well, after the Buckeyes beat the Badgers by 18 points after I had loudly and vehemently protested that game’s 16-point spread, my readers informed me it was my turn to eat crow.

“Mike” sarcastically wrote: “Jeff, you were right. It was 18 points, not 16. The oddsmakers sure got that one wrong. Defenses are just too strong for the O line of Wissyconsin.”

Well, Mike, yes. I was wrong. (Although I did pick Ohio State to win.) But here’s my argument: If Wisconsin and Ohio State were to line up and play every Saturday for the rest of the season, I strongly doubt that any meeting is that lopsided again. No team can count on three non-offensive touchdowns every week.

To my last point, “Kyle” wrote, “It doesn’t matter how a TD is scored — it’s 6 points either way. If those two INTs and the KO return did not go for TDs, that’s three offensive possessions for OSU where they have an opportunity to score an offensive TD, like they did right before the end of the first half with extreme prejudice.”

Kyle seems to think that OSU could have and would have scored more on offense had they had the ball more — because of defensive and special teams scoring, OSU only ran 40 offensive plays, just three in the third quarter. But that’s simply ignoring how inept OSU’s offense, and Terrelle Pryor in particular, were throughout that game.

Take out the one drive at the end of the first half, and OSU’s offensive drives netted totals of 9, 11, 4, 0, 7, 60 (field goal), -3, and -1 yards. Those are numbers that would make Cleveland Browns fans wince.

Mike was right about one thing though: Wisconsin’s offensive line — which announcer Matt “31-84″ Millen regrettably gushed about during the pregame — was beyond lousy, as they failed to open any running lanes for John Clay and, much worse, allowed six sacks.

Watching Tolzien take a beating on Saturday certainly gave many fans unwanted flashbacks to last Monday night’s Packers/Vikings game, when Rodgers hit the turf eight times.

The good news for the Packers is they get Detroit and Cleveland next. The bad news for the Badgers is they get Iowa.

You know, Iowa, the only unbeaten team in the Big Ten.

Iowa, the team that’s won ten games in a row dating back to last season.

Iowa, the team that’s beaten Wisconsin in five of its last seven meetings, including a 38-16 beatdown last year.

But despite their unblemished 6-0 record, not everything is perfect with Kirk Ferentz’s team. How else could you explain the fact that the Hawkeyes narrowly escaped getting beaten by a downtrodden Arkansas State team just two weeks ago?

Wisconsin needs this game. While their upcoming schedule is soft enough to prevent a repeat of last year’s long losing streak, they need to beat Iowa if they want to once again be considered anywhere near among the elite teams in the Big Ten.

Here are the Channel 3000 3 storylines to Saturday’s Homecoming battle for the Heartland Trophy:

1. Get Down On The Ground. Even though quarterback Scott Tolzien had his worst day as a starter against Ohio State, he only looked truly befuddled twice: His throw that was intercepted by Kurt Coleman in the first quarter for a pick-six, and his futile attempt to get a high five from someone, anyone after the Badgers’ successful fake field goal went for a touchdown in the second quarter.

(I smell a new catch phrase here, namely, the use of “Tolziened” instead of “snubbed.” Try this out: You’re waiting to buy a drink. The bartender keeps passing you up to service attractive women. You turn to your friends and say, “I’m getting totally Tolziened here!” Yeah, I know Tolzien was the one that got snubbed. He wasn’t doing the snubbing. But come on, don’t ruin my brand-new catchphrase with your Vulcan-like logic.)

Despite Tolzien’s not that-bad day, look for Bret Bielema and Paul Chryst to make things easier on their QB this Saturday by pounding the football with John Clay. That should give the Badgers the best chance for success on offense: Wisconsin leads the Big Ten in rushing, while only one Big Ten team gives up more yards per rushing attempt than Iowa.

2. Flip the Script. Last week both of Scott Tolzien’s interceptions were returned for touchdowns. This week at quarterback the Badgers face Iowa’s Ricky Stanzi, who has already thrown eight interceptions, three of which Iowa’s opponents have returned for touchdowns. The Badgers have nine interceptions on the season but, like showboating 49ers cornerback Dre Bly, have yet to take one to the house.

In what looks to be a game dominated by defense – Iowa is third in the conference in defense but a lowly ninth in scoring — the Badgers would love to do to Iowa what Ohio State did to them last week and score with their offense on the sidelines.

3. Battle of the Tight Ends. Anyone who plays fantasy football knows the increased role tight ends are playing in both college and professional football this year. (They also know not to start, under any circumstances, anyone who plays for the Oakland Raiders.)

Iowa and Wisconsin have two of the best tight ends in the country — Wisconsin’s Garrett Graham ranks third in the country among tight ends in receptions and fourth in yards. Meanwhile, since returning from an ankle injury, Iowa’s Tony Moeaki is hotter than Blake Lively in a backless dress: In only three games, he has 17 receptions for 192 yards and three touchdowns.

Tolzien and Stanzi rely on Graham and Moeaki for their success as much as John Oates relies on his partnership with Daryl Hall to pay his mortgage. Whichever tight end is best able to make plays on Saturday may be enough to make the difference.

Who: Wisconsin Badgers @ Ohio State Buckeyes.

Where: Ohio Stadium, ABC.

When: Saturday, October 10, 2:30 PM CST.

Sometimes people aren’t so smart.

For example, last Tuesday I overheard a restaurant employee complaining to a colleague about the Packers’ loss to the Vikings the night before: “The defense couldn’t stop the run,” he moaned.

Uh, person who should have been giving me my Angus Third Pound burger instead of pontificating on football: What game were you watching?  I’d say holding the NFC’s leading rusher to 55 yards on 25 carries was nothing short of spectacular run defense. The problem for the Packers Monday night was that the only person who was hitting the turf quicker and harder than Adrian Peterson was Aaron Rodgers.

Then today I read an on-line story that included a shot of the next issue of Entertainment Weekly: The obviously doctored cover photo shows a pants less David Letterman. Among the posted reader comments was one complaining that if Letterman really wanted his scandal to go away, he shouldn’t be posing for magazine covers.

Uh, clearly deluded person who thought the photo was genuine: You really think that David Letterman, a celebrity who fiercely guards his private life, would call a national magazine in the middle of a hugely embarrassing personal sex scandal and say, “I’ve got a great idea. You should take a photo for the cover of me with my pants off. You know, because I couldn’t keep my pants on at work because I was so busy having lots of sex. It’ll be hysterical!”

But the most egregious example of stupidity I came across this week was finding out that the Ohio State Buckeyes football team was favored by no fewer than 16 points to beat the Wisconsin Badgers on Saturday.

16 points? What is this, Florida versus Charleston Southern? The Harlem Globetrotters versus the Atlantic City Seagulls? The New York Yankees versus the Minnesota Twins?

The odds makers clearly haven’t been watching the Badgers play football.

The Badgers are a respectable 3-3 in their last six meetings with Ohio State. Only one of those losses, a 38-17 defeat in 2007, was out of hand. And even in that game, the Badgers led 17-10 in the third quarter. When Ohio State was the number one-ranked team in the country. And the Badgers had a sluggish rushing attack because their star running back at the time, P.J. Hill, was out due to injury.

More importantly, the Badgers are playing good football right now. They dominated the Gophers last week in Minneapolis, particularly in the second half. Wisconsin currently leads the Big Ten in five key categories: Scoring offense, rushing offense, passer efficiency, turnover margin, and fewest sacks allowed.

Most importantly, they’re undefeated and one of only two Big Ten teams to be 2-0 in the conference.

That other team? Ohio State.

Yeah, they’re good too. But not 16 points better than the Badgers, even in Columbus.

Let’s take a look at the Channel 3000 3 storylines to Saturday’s game:

1. John Clay versus the Buckeyes run defense. If there was any doubt who Wisconsin’s best runner was, Clay obliterated that with his 184-yard performance against Minnesota. Not only is Clay Wisconsin’s best runner, he’s the Big Ten’s best runner and statistically the fourth-best runner in the country.

Ohio State, however, boasts the conference’s best rushing defense, allowing a ridiculously low 18 yards on the ground last week against Illinois. But the Buckeyes haven’t faced a back as tough to bring down as Clay.

2. Scott Tolzien versus Terrelle Pryor. In his first road game last week, Wisconsin quarterback Scott Tolzien came back to earth a bit; he needed and got the run game that Clay provided to bolster his comparatively pedestrian performance (16-26, 1 TD, 1 INT).

Meanwhile, the Badgers held Ohio State quarterback Terrelle Pryor in check in last year’s 20-17 loss. Well, until the Buckeyes’ 80-yard fourth-quarter scoring drive that won them the game.

If the Badgers’ defense can pressure or otherwise confuse Pryor, they should be able to force Pryor into some poor throws. (Pryor has already been picked off five times this season while the Badgers have forced a league-best 15 turnovers).

While Pryor has received the media attention, Tolzien has actually been the superior quarterback, bettering Pryor in every statistical category. If Tolzien can outperform Pryor on Saturday, he should start getting the national attention he deserves.

3. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Despite getting better every week, despite a passing game better than anyone could have hoped for entering the season, despite an elite rushing attack, despite a ball hawking, opportunistic, aggressive defense, the 16-point spread in this game shows Wisconsin clearly isn’t held in high regard.

I don’t think they’ll win the game, but in their toughest contest of the season, the Badgers will make things interesting enough to earn that elusive respect.

Predicted final: Ohio State 21, Wisconsin 17.

Who: Wisconsin Badgers @ Minnesota Gophers

Where: TCF Bank Stadium, ESPN

When: Saturday, October 3, 11 AM CST.

In listening to the new Beatles remasters, I keep having the same thought over and over:

Man, that Paul McCartney can play the bass.

In continuing with my musings, I also consider how McCartney was clearly the best vocalist of the four, clearly the best looking of the four (not completely irrelevant in their embroynic period), and not that far behind Lennon in terms of songwriting.

Yet Beatle Paul is almost universally underappreciated and disrespected in comparison to Beatle John.

I feel the same way about this weekend’s Wisconsin/Minnesota Border Battles: The Packers/Vikings game is getting all the attention, while the Badgers/Gophers game is getting no respect.

And like I could make several arguments why Paul McCartney was the most talented Beatle, I could make several arguments why the Badgers/ Gophers match-up Saturday will actually be the better game.

So here, with a nod to the Beatles, are the Channel 3000 3 storylines to watch as the Badgers travel to Minneapolis to continue the longest rivalry in NCAA Division 1-A football:

1. Why Don’t We Do It (On) The Road? The Badgers — particularly Scott Tolzien — have been fairly impressive so far, but can they repeat their early-season success on the road?

Last year’s Badger team was uninspiring away from Camp Randall, beating only Fresno State and lowly Indiana to finish 2-4 (including that awful showing in the Florida Citrus Bowl) on the road.

With upcoming games against Top 25 teams Ohio State and Iowa (the Hawkeyes coming off that big upset over Penn State), it’s imperative for Wisconsin to play well in Minneapolis Saturday to avoid a slide reminiscent of last year’s 0-4 stretch.

Beyond the obvious aesthetic improvements over the crappy Metrodome and the fact that alcohol is now no longer sold at Gopher home games, the fact that the game is Minnesota’s first Big Ten game in their new on-campus TCF Bank Stadium shouldn’t matter much. They could play this game at the new $1.3 billion Cowboys Stadium or at Appleton West High School and it would be a game that both teams have circled on their calendars.

2. Will Scott Tolzien Be Throwing Here, There, and Everywhere?  Wisconsin’s passing game is improving every week, and while fans shouldn’t expect Tolzien to repeat his four-touchdown performance from a week ago that came against a horrid Michigan State secondary, it’s worth noting that Minnesota has its own issues with its defense.

Just last week, the Gophers gave up a whopping 309 passing yards in a 35-24 victory against Northwestern; then, on Monday, Minnesota coach Tim Brewster suspended two defensive players for violating team rules.

Seems like the Minnesota defense is as good a defense as any for Tolzien to face in his first conference road game.

3. Will Eric Decker Have The Badgers Secondary Yelling “Help!”? Wisconsin’s defense did a fine job last week of shutting down Michigan State’s formidable passing attack, only allowing the Spartans to open it up after building a 38-17 fourth-quarter lead. (255 of MSU’s 396 passing yards came in the final quarter.)

Now Wisconsin’s backfield has to contend with Minnesota wideout Eric Decker, who is statistically the third-best receiver in the country: In four games this year, Decker has four touchdowns while averaging over 124 yards a game.

Last year, in what was a wild 35-32 Wisconsin win at home, Decker was out; two years ago, Decker torched the Badgers for 125 yards on just six receptions for two touchdowns. Decker is the best opposing skill player the Badgers have faced so far this season and they will have their hands full containing him.

In my preseason preview, I picked the Badgers to suffer their first loss of the season on Saturday. Obviously I’ve been right so far, but given the unexpected strong play of Scott Tolzien (which has been so good people have been forgetting about the run game, which oh, by the way, is second in the Big Ten) I expect to be proven wrong.

Picking the Gophers to take possession of Paul Bunyan’s Axe, which has only happened twice since 1995?

I Should Have Known Better.

Three years ago, my wife and I took a driving trip with my parents out east to visit the Sesame Place theme park.

Since my parents are just a tad frugal, we tried to compromise on the luxuriousness of the hotels that we would stay at, which led us to make on-line reservations at some budget-type hotels.

Imagine our surprise when we pulled into one such hotel in Columbus, Ohio, and found out that it was located right next to a strip club.

Not exactly what you’re looking for when traveling with a three-year-old.

But, trying not to be difficult, my wife and I went against our better judgment and spent the night there anyway. But we never would have stayed there if we had been there without my folks.

I bring this up in light of an ongoing controversy that’s happening here in the Madison area concerning a hotel and a nearby nightclub. Turns out the hotel is refunding thousands of dollars to guests who have complained about the noise from said nightclub, which just happens to be Dane County’s largest.

Well, I tended to be a little sympathetic to those disgruntled hotel guests until I just randomly happened to drive by the area earlier today.

The nightclub, which is about the size of the Mall of America, is literally RIGHT ON TOP of this hotel. They are closer than crazies Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie circa 2001.

I say if you pull into this hotel and you don’t cancel your reservation after finding out that it’s six feet from a cavernous edifice that advertises on its marquee “Tonight Only — Tribute To Tool,” then I’m sorry, but I’m not impressed by your lack of prognosticating what the noise level will be like around 1:30 a.m.

Here’s what else I’m not impressed with after week 3 of the NFL season, and most of it hits close to home:

The Detroit Lions. Yay. You won a game. Your second game in the last 21 months. I’m sorry if I don’t join the Motor City conga line over this one, but you didn’t beat the Indianapolis Colts, you beat a team at home that is worse than you.

The Washington Redskins are absolutely awful. How Jim Zorn still has a job is as confusing to me as how people can sit through America’s Got Talent (based on this show, I’d say it doesn’t).

Detroit, you’re going to win again this year. Probably at least twice. Try not to act like you just won the Super Bowl next time.

The Green Bay Packers. Whoopee. You beat up on the St. Louis Rams. The same Rams that last week lost to Washington.

This just in: The Rams stink worse than a highway rest area men’s room.

Here’s what’s troubling about the Packers win at St. Louis: The offense isn’t clicking nearly as well as the preseason hype led us to believe it would. Despite starting early drives at the Rams 10 and the Rams 12, the Packers could only muster field goals, gaining a total of 26 yards on three first-quarter drives.  They could not sustain drives,  ending the day a paltry 2-for-9 on third downs. Sure, they converted on some big plays, but big plays aren’t going to be there against better defenses.

The Packers defense also gave up 17 points and 22 first downs to the team with statistically the worst offense in the league. The Rams had totaled 7 points and 27 first downs in the previous two games combined. 

Seems to me that the Packers’ defense is beginning to look as suspect as new coordinator Dom Capers’s toupee.

The good news: The Packers’ offensive line at least played better, and they held their penalties in check (“only” 6 for 51 yards). And those big plays surely delighted the Packers fans in attendance (there was at least as much green and gold as there was blue and gold at the Edward James Dome on Sunday). But there can be no doubt that this is a flawed team heading to the Metrodome on Monday night.

The Minnesota Vikings. That final play against the 49ers? Impressive, yes. But also very, very lucky. I would say eight times out of ten Favre doesn’t convert on that throw. (And it was a better catch by Lewis than throw by Favre.)

The Vikings certainly have to be favored in Monday’s night “game of the century,” but not all is right with the 3-0 Purple People Eaters. Their defense was pushed to the brink — not early, but in crunch time — by a team that lost its only legitimate offensive threat early in the first quarter. That defense allowed misfits Shaun Hill and Vernon Davis to connect way too many times.

And the Vikings offense? Like Rodgers, Favre is struggling to maintain drives. But after Sunday’s final miracle play, the Vikings have to be confident heading into Monday night.

The Chicago Bears. On Sunday, the Bears barely beat Seattle, a mediocre team that was without its starting quarterback and six other starters. And even then they needed help from some missed field goals to stay close. (Love the rant you spewed against Olindo Mare, Jim Mora. I’m sure that did wonders for your kicker’s confidence.)

And after Pittsburgh lost to Cincinnati on Sunday, suddenly the Bears’ victory against the Steelers last week doesn’t look that awe-inspiring.

My fantasy football team. So glad I drafted LaDainian Tomlinson over Drew Brees. This week my opponent basically doubled my score. It’s enough to make me want to go over to Scatz’s for 2-for-1 rail mixers.