Horsehide Predictions

OK, enough complaining about the steroid mess that threatens to engulf the actual sport of baseball. Here’s what I think we’ll see this year on the field:

1. Despite what you may have been hearing, the Brewers will not make the playoffs this season. A combination of injuries (yes, this means you, Ben Sheets) and ice-cold hitting will doom them to a below-.500 season. Fortunately for Brewer fans, the Cubs will be far worse. Unfortunately for Brewer fans, the Cardinals will be unstoppable.

2. The Atlanta Braves will see their streak of 14 consecutive division championships come to an end. Willie Randolph’s Mets will take the NL East. Andruw Jones will compensate for the division loss by receiving 14 consecutive lap dances at one of Atlanta’s many fine adult nightclubs.

3. Barry Bonds will pass Babe Ruth’s home run mark but will go on the DL before getting close to surpassing Hank Aaron’s record. His injury status, his status as a target of MLB’s steroid investigation, and unspecified personal problems (including a war of words between him and Larry the Cable Guy) will force him to retire short of 755. Oh, and the San Francisco Giants will finish behind the Padres and the Dodgers in the NL West.

4. The Kansas City Royals will shock the world of baseball by finishing . . . in fourth place in the AL Central. They will beat out the Detroit Tigers, a team that will see its narrow window of opportunity to be not completely horrible shut tight. On the other side of the division, the Chicago White Sox will be in first place throughout. Sadly, White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen will not be nearly as entertaining as he was last year.

5. The hopes of Yankee-haters everywhere will be crushed when the Bronx Bombers win yet another AL East title. However, the hopes of Donald Trump-haters everywhere will be met when the Donald takes a foul ball to the head while attending a Yankees-Orioles game with his friend Merv Griffin.

6. The California Angels of the Mighty Anaheim Ducks or whatever they’re called now will win the AL West. They will in fact clinch the division before Brett Favre makes his decision of whether or not to retire from professional football.

7. Your wild card winners? The Dodgers and the Twins. Surprise, Braves, Red Sox, A’s, Indians, Blue Jays, and Phillies fans.

8. Your World Series winners? The White Sox over the Cardinals. What? Not happy that I’m not exactly going out on a limb with that? Here’s the surprise: The poor fellow inside the Cardinals’ Fredbird mascot uniform, seen shaking his moneymaker at all Cardinal World Series home games? None other than Britney Spears spouse and rapper wanna-be Kevin Federline, who ends up taking over the gig near the end of the regular season when current Fredbird Gabe Kaplin’s develops a bad case of scurvy.

There you have it. Enjoy the season! Well, except you, Colorado Rockies fan.


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