I’m Sorry. Don’t Fine Me.

Apologies again for taking a break from all things blog.

The reasons are many: One, I had server issues which resulted in the loss of some content that is tough for me to re-create. (Hey, you think being a genius blogger is easy?) Two, I’ve been spending lots of time watching Average Homeboy videos on-line. (He is totally blazin’, all right?) And three, I’m now scared to blog.

Why am I scared to blog? Well, it came out last week that Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban was fined $100,000 for writing negative things about NBA officials on his blog. If you’ve read my blog before, you’ve probably noticed that I can be negative from time to time. And if you know me at all personally, you know that I don’t have $100,000 to pay any fines imposed upon me for something I write here.

So I’ve decided to swallow my journalistic pride and apologize to those whom I may have offended, upset, or just disappointed, hoping that my pathetic groveling will be enough to wipe out any fines that may have been coming my way. Here goes:

Sorry, Brett Favre. I’ve given Number 4 a hard time for his persistent indecisiveness regarding his retirement. But now that he’s decided to play another season for the Packers, it’s clear that any uncertainty he had about a 16th year in football has quickly dissipated. Just listen to these inspiring words: “I’m not going to lie. I wonder if it’s the right decision. There are times I say, ‘I hope I made the right decision.’ Yeah, I wonder what my attitude would be like if we lose six in a row. I hope it’s still good.” Whoa, curb that enthusiasm, Brett! Add to that impressive display of commitment your refusal to participate in the next Packers mini-camp and I have to say I was wrong to question your competitive fire and leadership. Even better is that you’ve already begun to renege on your promise that this will be your final season, which means that we may be in for another round of “will he or won’t he retire?” next year! Color me excited!

Sorry, Minnesota Twins fans. I predicted here in early April that the Twins would win the AL wildcard and return to the postseason for the fourth time in five seasons. Well, that now appears about as likely as Bea Arthur topping the Maxim Hot 100 list. The problem? Oh, just a little thing I like to call starting pitching: The Twins’ aggregate ERA is third-worst in Major League Baseball and the pitching staff can’t even secure a victory when the offense gives them a seven-run first-inning cushion, as happened on Mother’s Day. A pitcher hasn’t won a game after surrendering seven first-inning runs in 106 years, and that’s about how long it’s going to take the Twins to get back to the postseason if the pitching staff doesn’t improve mightily.

Sorry, Barry Bonds. Earlier I professed not too much sympathy at the treatment you’ve been getting lately. That was before I watched Bonds on Bonds, an ESPN series that further cements the channel’s legacy of producing the lamest reality shows in the history of the genre (Dream Job? I’d Do Anything?). In the show, Bonds tearfully responds to the maelstrom of controversy surrounding him and his alleged steroid usage: “If it makes them happy to go out of their way to try to destroy me, go right ahead. You can’t hurt me any more than you’ve already hurt me.” (By “them,” I guess Barry means the media, even though the media aren’t the ones booing him, throwing things at him, or holding up asterisk signs when he steps to the plate.) Well, I had no idea that injecting human growth hormones (allegedly), committing perjury (allegedly), and alienating teammates, the fans, and the media alike were all so emotionally draining. So sorry, Barry, for treating a jerk like a jerk. I should know better.

Sorry, Bud Selig. I also haven’t been that fair to the Commissioner of Baseball. But I would like to take this opportunity to congratulate him on one of his few good decisions, and that is his announcement that Major League Baseball will not celebrate Barry Bonds passing Babe Ruth on the all-time home run list. Even when Bonds passes Ruth, Bonds will still be second (and a distant second, at that) on the HR list. Since when does a professional sport celebrate coming in second? If that were the case, the Minnesota Vikings would be the most celebrated team in the history of pro sports instead of a punchline to tired jokes told by Packer fans. But even though Selig claims Bonds’s alleged steroid use isn’t a factor in his decision, it’s hard to see him not acknowledging Ken Griffey Jr. or Alex Rodriguez passing by the Babe. I guess even the Commissioner thinks Bonds is a jerk (see above).

Sorry, Rosie O’Donnell. I must admit to being less than thrilled (all right, I became physically ill) when I heard you were returning to my TV set on a daily basis as a new addition to The View. While I can’t change my opinion of you as one of the most untalented people ever to be on TV, if your presence results in the ouster of Star Jones, who is not only equally untalented but also now frightening to look at, then you can’t be all bad. If you decide to physically pummel Elisabeth Hasselbeck during “Hot Topics” or interview Teri Hatcher in the voice of your Riding the Bus with My Sister character, you will immediately become one of my favorite celebrities. So something to think about.

OK, groveling and pleading forgiveness is over. Now please don’t fine me. Because as the Average Homeboy raps, “Just because I’m not from the projects / Doesn’t mean that I can write million dollar checks.” So true, average homeboy. So true.


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