They Need It More Than Screech

Recently Dustin Diamond, the “actor” who played Screech on Saved By The Bell, went public with a plan to stop his Port Washington, Wisconsin house from being foreclosed: He is selling commemorative “Save My House” t-shirts for $15 each. He hopes to sell enough to raised the $250,000 needed.

I have limited sympathy for Screech. On the one hand, he will forever be known as one character and he has probably no chance of finding acting jobs that don’t somehow parody his Bayside High persona. But on the other, he has made some nice coin as Screech and if he had managed his money even remotely wisely, he wouldn’t have to stoop to this act of public begging. Did he ever think, after he and A.C. Slater and Zach Morris went their separate ways, of going to college and getting a real job. Worked for Dee from What’s Happening, who’s been a veterinarian for years now.

In short, I can think of many more worthy charities to donate $15 to than Urkel. I mean Screech. How about these sports figures? They need money for good reasons:

Mark Cuban. The Dallas Mavericks owner needs a new haircut. Even Jackson Browne is starting to make fun of him.

Mark Attanasio. The Milwaukee Brewers owner needs money to fill huge holes in his starting pitching rotation caused by injuries to Ben Sheets and Tomo Ohka. Problem is, what quality starting pitchers are available?

Rickie Weeks. The Brewers’ second baseman leads the MLB in errors. Maybe he needs a bigger glove. I’d suggest eye surgery, too, but he’s hitting well, so I guess he can see OK.

Tiger Woods. The golf superstar needs a vacation. It was heartbreaking to see him falter at the opening rounds of the U.S. Open, especially since you know he wanted to play in honor of his late father on Father’s Day.

Bruce Arena. The head coach of the U.S. soccer team will need funds to look for a new job following the Americans’ disastrous showing in this year’s World Cup. Bruce, ESPN and ABC didn’t pay millions of dollars to televise Iran vs. Angola. Without the U.S. team in the tournament, U.S. ratings will go from disappointing to lower than Emily’s Reasons Why Not.

Dirk Nowitzki. The Dallas Mavericks superstar needs to buy his shot back. Judging by the first four NBA Finals games, it’s missing. As is any semblance of competitiveness.

Ben Roethlisberger. Dude needs a motorcycle helmet. And some new teeth.

But hey, I would never tell you how to spend your money. So, if you want to help, go to But sorry, donations are not tax-deductible. Neither is the money you spent on those Saved By The Bell DVDs. And don’t lie. I know you have them.


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