Mom Helps Me Writes The Blog

In honor of Mother’s Day (really, every day should be Mother’s Day. What’s wrong with you, you miserable sod? You need an excuse to pick up the phone and call your mother? She’s been worried sick about you.), I thought I would have my mom help me write today’s blog. So I called her at her palatial estate in Burnsville, Minnesota. Here’s a transcript:

Me: Hey, Mom. Happy Mother’s Day.

Mom: Which child of mine is this? The one that takes me on whirlwind trips to exotic locales or the one that hits me up for babysitting?

Me: Mom, I’m sorry that I don’t work for a major commercial airline like my sister. But I hope you had a good time in Las Vegas yesterday.

Mom: Did you know that they changed the name of the Barbary Coast to Bill’s Gamblin’ Hall & Saloon? What’s next? Will the Bellagio become JD’s Honky Tonk?

Me: I’m sorry, I know you have a fondness for the Barbary Coast ever since you scored big on the Jeff Foxworthy slot machine there. Hey, listen, do you mind if I get some of your takes for my sports blog? I thought it’d be fun, since it’s Mother’s Day and all.

Mom: You still write that thing? Didn’t CBS shut it down last year?

Me: Mom, I can’t talk about that. Everything’s fine. So, what do you think about the NBA Playoffs? They’ve been great so far, huh?

Mom: Well, you know I can’t watch the NBA that much.

Me: Why’s that?

Mom: Oh, all those tattoos those men have! (Takes a slug from a can of Caffeine Free Diet Pepsi.) Have you seen them? Back in my day, you got a simple heart or butterfly or skull and daggers or something like that and that was it. You know, we kept it simple.

Me: Do you have a skull and daggers tattoo?

Mom: But these boys today have like the Gettysburg Address written on them or something. It’s disgusting. Either that or they’ve got stuff all over their necks. I wouldn’t let anyone put a tattoo on my neck. One slip of that tattoo needle there and your jugular’s slit.

Me: Well, mom, sorry that you can’t get past a little self-expression. It’s too bad, because you’re missing some great games, especially in the Western Conference. But no one can win on the road. Not even the almighty Celtics.

Mom: Don’t get me started on the Celtics. Your father refuses to root for them since that awful Kevin McHale gave them Kevin Garnett.

Me: Well, I’m sure they miss Dad’s support. Anyway, I’m convinced Boston’s going to choke. If not in this series, then certainly against Detroit. Garnett can’t win the big one. In the West, I’m not so sure that San Antonio’s not going to steal game five in New Orleans and eventually win a series that they started 0-2 in. They’ve got the inexperienced Hornets doubting themselves now. The Spurs no doubt sense a little blood in the New Orleans water.

Mom: Blood in the water? I’ve got blood in my . . .

Me: Mom, please. Stay with me. The Jazz, meanwhile, are just delaying an inevitable Lakers win. The Jazz always let me down in situations like this. Back in the day, I used to always root for Stockon, Malone, Jeff Hornacek, even Greg Ostertag. And they never sealed the deal. This team certainly isn’t as good as the one those guys were on.

Mom: So you like the Lakers and Pistons?

Me: If I had to make a prediction now, I would say  Spurs and Pistons. But certainly Boston and Los Angeles is the match-up that everyone’s hoping for. The TV ratings would be good for that series.

Mom: Speaking of TV, can you believe that nasty Parvati won over that nice Amanda? Parvati didn’t win any challenges! What were those idiots on the jury thinking?

Me: Agreed. But maybe Amanda shouldn’t have been such a sap at tribal council. Nobody respects a player who cries so much and then refuses to give any reasons why people should vote for her.

Mom: And then have you seen this commercial for The Ladders, some snooty Web site that caters to rich folks with snooty jobs looking to get even snootier jobs to make them even richer? It starts off with a tennis player getting attacked on the court! Hasn’t anyone who screened this ad heard of Monica Seles?

Me: Again, I have to agree. I was sort of offended by it and I don’t get offended by much.

Mom: Oh, that reminds me of the time you were fourteen and your father and I came home to find you watching Eddie Murphy: Delirious. Holy moley . . .

Me: Mom, let’s not go there right now. What about the Brewers?

Mom: The Brewers? They’re done.

Me: Really? Just like that, you’re writing them off so early in the season.

Mom: Look, they stink. They can’t hit. Ryan Braun is coming on a little bit, but Bill Hall? Rickie Weeks? And Mike Cameron’s down to like .174. They’re harder to watch than your appearances on C3K Live.

Me: Mom, I get good reaction to my weekly appearances on Channel 3000’s live talk show hosted by Dan Smith. Every Monday at 8 AM Central Standard Time.

Mom: Whatever. And the pitching is even worse. Thank goodness Jeff Suppan had a good game on Sunday. But this closer-by-committee crap. That’s garbage. Either you have a closer or you don’t. And the Brewers don’t. And they might not have one for the rest of the season. You can’t just take a middle reliever and make him a closer. It’s a different mindset. It’s like turning on Becker and trying to pretend really hard that it’s Cheers. Doesn’t work. 

Me: Thanks for the analogy there, Mom. Hasn’t Becker been off the air for like five years? Try to stay current.

Mom: Well, you should talk. When was the last time you went to a movie that wasn’t a cartoon?

Me: Good point. Anyway, what else you got?

Mom: Not much. You know that things are slow in the sports world when ESPN is running lacrosse scores on their ticker. Oh, what do you think of Cedric Benson?

Me: The guy’s a bum. He’s been a worthless player and he’s had drug and alcohol charges brought up against him before. He’ll be out of the league next year at this time.

Mom: What about Koren Robinson?

Me: Better player but still a bum. Some team needing receivers might pick him up. But like the Packers, they’ll end up regretting it.

Mom: What about the Minnesota Twins? Can they stay in first place?

Me: Mom, you know I write for a Madison, Wisconsin, Web site. Not everyone cares about the Twins. But for the record, I thought they’d end the year in third place in the AL Central. I also thought the Brewers would win the NL Central. I still think I’m right about the Twins. Feeling much less confident about Milwaukee.

Mom: Well, thanks for calling, son. I’ve got to get to the airport now. Your sister is taking me to Tokyo Disney for the week. She says the Jungle Cruise there puts the Orlando one to shame.

Me: Well, they don’t have the Country Bear Jamboree there.

Mom: Who cares? Those computer bears give me the creeps. Like that Josh Groban.

Me: Happy Mother’s Day, Mom.

Mom: Wait a second. I cut out an article about hair restoration and sent it to you. Did you get it?

Me: Bye, mom.





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