Seven Dirty Things You Can Never Accuse The Brewers Of Doing in 2008

In honor of the late, very great comedian George Carlin and his most infamous routine, today we present the Seven Dirty Things You Can Never Accuse The Brewers Of Doing In 2008.

1. Being predictable. Like many people who didn’t foresee the powerhouse that the Chicago Cubs have been (at least so far) in 2008, I predicted the Brewers to win the NL Central this year. But after winning five of their first six, they proceeded to go 14-23 over their next 37 games. After finding themselves in last place in the NL Central following an ugly sweep at Fenway Park and a quote from their best everyday player that seemed to call out manager Ned Yost for lack of preparation and/or leadership, lots of those same people who predicted great things for the 2008 Brewers gave up on them and called for Ned Yost’s firing. Well, since that weekend in Boston, the Brewers have the best record in the major leagues at 21-10, are a season-best seven games over .500, and are second in the wild card standings (under NL Central rival St. Louis). I haven’t been so dumbfounded by a series of ups and downs since the frustratingly inconsistent Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. At least there’s no Sarah Paulson to deal with here.

2. Being boring. Case in point: Last Thursday’s game against the sinking Blue Jays. Think an eight-run lead going into the eighth inning is safe? Think a pitcher who takes a no-hitter into the eighth inning is guaranteed a win? The Brewers challenged both of those seemingly no-brainer questions by surrendering seven runs in the final two innings and allowing the leading run to come up to bat before finally finishing off Toronto 8-7 in one of the most bizarre finishes to a baseball game not featuring Charlie Sheen or Tatum O’Neal that you’ll ever see.  One can’t help but think that letting that game get away would have been demoralizing enough to lead to a lengthy losing streak.

3. Being stable. Whether due to injury or ineffectiveness, only the price of gas has fluctuated more than the Brewers’ lineup so far. To Ned Yost’s credit, he’s been more responsible for the good —  Salomon Torres emerging as the closer, calling up Russell Branyan to split time with the ineffective Bill Hall, inserting Seth McClung into the starting rotation — than the bad — Yovani Gallardo being out for the year with a torn ACL.

4. Being unpopular.  The Brewers may never be as popular as the Packers, but they’re not the Milwaukee Bucks (or Sheryl Crow, who is famously playing to near-empty venues on her current tour)either. They currently boast the seventh-highest total home attendance in the National League, despite being located in the smallest market in all of baseball. That means that per capita, the Brewers have the best attendance in the major leagues. That support has led the Brewers to one of the best home records in baseball which I believe is starting to transfer to more confidence and wins on the road.

5. Being happy. Prince Fielder wants more money (which he needs to pay off $400,000 in back taxes). Bill Hall’s agent has demanded the Brewers trade his client, who doesn’t like being overshadowed and outplayed at third base by the much more effective Russell Branyan. It’s not exactly The Real World: San Francisco in the Brewers dugout, but it’s no lovefest either.

6. Being weak. After a slow start, the Brewers are fourth in the majors in home runs with 99. They’ve hit 45 dingers in the last 22 games. They’re packing more of a punch than Naomi Campbell.

7. Being opportunistic. As the scoring opportunities rise, the Brewers’ bats get less and less effective. With no one on base, Milwaukee is hitting a collective .269. With runners in scoring position, the team’s average goes down to .249, And with the bases loaded, the Brewers are hitting only .190, third-worst in the majors. If they can improve upon their scoring chances, the winning — especially on the road — should continue. If not, who knows?

That’s it for now. I suggest going home and listening to Operation: Foole or Class Clown and enjoying the master of stand-up. Good stuff.

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