Top Ten Reasons Favre Didn’t Sign With Vikings . . . Yet

At the end of another Favre-saturated week, here is my final entry on the continuing Brett-to-Vikings saga. (And if you believe that, you believe that Favre really is retired for good.) 

With apologies to David Letterman, here are my top ten reasons that Brett Favre did not sign with the Minnesota Vikings. At least not yet.

10. Worried that he would have to change name of owned-and-operated restaurant from Brett Favre’s Steakhouse to Brett Favre’s House of Lutefisk.

9. Was nervous about having to compete with Vikings quarterbacks Tavaris Jackson, Sage Rosenfels, and John David Booty for playing time. In a related story, Brad Pitt is said to be nervous about Angelina Jolie running off with the fat kid from Two and a Half Men.

8. Was unable to convince Vikings head coach Brad Childress to reinstate the team’s once-annual “sex cruise” on Lake Minnetonka.

7. Wife Deanna doesn’t get along with Delta Burke. (Reference to Brad Childress’s resemblance to Gerald “Major Dad” McRaney. Work with me, people!)

6. Was unfazed when told that Mississippi ranked dead last in the latest state-by-state education rankings while Minnesota ranked first. Cited that Mississippi schools spent much more time on “necessary” subjects like prevention of rickets and history of the rodeo.

5. Discovered that there are no Waffle Houses in Minnesota and Vikings refused to pay for daily shipment of scattered, smothered, covered, chunked, diced, and peppered hash browns.

4. Refused Vikings request to have surgery to repair torn biceps tendon in right arm; Vikings refused Favre’s counteroffer to instead have Minnesota icon Mary Tyler Moore tattooed on back.

3. Could not make Vikings believe that he was not looking to join Packers rival simply for spite, saying instead that he wanted to play for Minnesota because he “really, really, really hated Ted Thompson.”

2. Local television affiliates cut eleventh-hour deal with Vikings; stations were concerned that with Favre in purple, the Vikings home games would not be blacked out and they had already sold airtime to makers of Jack LaLanne’s Power Juicer.

And the number one reason Brett Favre decided this week not to play for the Minnesota Vikings . . .

1. Are you kidding? It’s only May! Favre never comes out of retirement until August. As sure as I am that Coldplay ripped off Cat Stevens, I’m sure that Favre will be handing off to Adrian Peterson come September.


4 Responses

  1. Don’t quit the day job. Seriously.

  2. Don’t quit your day job. I can’t believe I wasted my time reading reasons 10 – 7. I found it too stupid to keep reading. Do you really think you have a sense of humor?

  3. Wow, how incredibly weak. In the future, if you plan to write a humorous column, I suggest you try something novel, like, being funny.

  4. Great stuff, particularly #1.

    Here’s my take on Favre, very much along the same lines.

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